


Shovel Proof

by Kereea



Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Business, Comedy, Discussions of sex, Gen, Shovel Talk, Swearing, Threats, Weapons, canon levels of swearing, so much swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28922610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: Octavia tries to give Blitzo the shovel talk. He decides to help with that.
Relationships: Blitzo/Stolas Goetia (implied)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 86





	Shovel Proof

The color and shape of the magic portal had Blitzo groaning and hitting the “Stolas” button under his desk before the figure inside had fully emerged.

“…Oh. It’s you,” he said as Octavia Goetia stepped into his office.

“Expecting my dad?” she asked.

“He kind of has a portal-ing in whenever he wants problem,” Blitzo admitted as Moxxie kicked the door in.

“Excuse me, Prince Stolas, but we have an emergen—that is not Stolas,” Moxxie said, pointing at Octavia.

“I know, I thought she was him from the teleporting silhouette and pushed the damn button on instinct,” Blitzo said.

“…You have a panic button for if my dad unexpectedly shows up?” Octavia asked dryly.

“If he’s interfering with business, then fuck yes,” Blitzo said. “Should see what happens when he shows up half-dressed when I’m with a client; oh, fuck _no_ , you’re his kid, you don’t need to see that, _stop imagining_!”

“I’ll just…forget that topic came up, shall I?” Octavia muttered, pinching the bridge of her beak.

“Sir? Do you…have this?” Moxxie asked.

“You’re good Mox, go back to shooting practice of whatever,” Blitzo said, waving him off. He settled back into his chair as Moxxie shut the door. “So, Princess Octavia. First time you’ve been here. Looking for a human target?”

“I’m here to talk,” Octavia said.

“Well I don’t exactly run a talking company,” Blitzo said. “And this is work hours.”

Octavia pulled out some money and put it on the desk.

“Oh you are a smarty. Okay, girlie, my time is yours,” Blitzo said, pocking the cash in a flash.

“It’s about my dad,” Octavia said, taking a seat after assessing the chair and deeming it clean enough.

“Makes sense,” Blitzo said. “He send you, or this lil’ chat your idea?”

“Me. What are you intentions with my father?” Octavia asked.

“Uh…what?” Blitzo asked blankly.

“My father. The man you apparently _fuck_ on the regular,” Octavia said.

“Well, like you said, we’ve got a regular thing. Right now my ‘intentions’ are to keep that a’goin. Business and all that,” Blitzo said as he lowered his fingers from making air-quotes.

“Do you think I’m stupid? What you are doing is clearly no mere business arrangement,” Octavia said.

“Look, hon, just because your dad takes dirty talk to a _disturbing_ new level and doesn’t apparently have an off switch for it does not, in fact, make this _not_ a business relationship,” Blitzo said. “Because it’s business.”

“How is you fucking my dad _business_?” Octavia demanded.

“It’s…how did Stolas put it? Favors for favors,” Blitzo said. “Sometimes we assassinate people for him, sometime I do things you don’t want me to explicitly spell out in front of you. Favors.”

“So in your mind, my father asking you to murder someone and my father asking you to have sex are…the same thing?” Octavia asked, making a face.

“Well one usually requires more bullets. And I don’t exactly bring my employees over to see him. So no, not the _same_ thing,” Blitzo conceded. “But, similar. Business-y.”

Octavia smirked at him, “So when you said you’re not a day hooker?”

“Nothing about the night, sweet beaks,” Blitzo confirmed.

“So…you see other people, then,” Octavia said darkly, reaching inside her hoodie.

“Huh. Now that ya mention it, not really. I.M.P. does take up a lot of my time, and your dad is a very important backer so no shit he’d get priority if I was being picky,” Blitzo mused. “Which I’m not since. Huh. Guess I am kinda seeing your dad, then. Weird.”

“Clearly my father takes this relationship a lot more seriously than you,” Octavia said, pulling a knife out of her jacket and pointing it under Blitzo’s nose. “So let me make something _very_ clear to you _right now_ -”

“Ooh, is this a shovel talk?” Blitzo asked eagerly.

“Maybe,” Octavia said, just barely not sticking the knife into one of his nostrils. “Got a complaint?”

“Well, it doesn’t really work with me in this nice chair and you…hmm. One, sec, let’s clear the desk,” Blitzo said, leaning back and sweeping everything off his desk. And you stand up, and here!”

He stretched out on the desk. “So what kind of cowering you looking for here?”

“I’m not looking for cowering! I’m looking for a serious conversation!” Octavia said, kicking her chair away as she got up.

“By that knife I’d say you’re looking for a _little_ cowering,” Blitzo smirked.

“…Maybe a bit,” Octavia admitted. “Urgh. This was a dumb idea.”

“No, no, I get it! You’re worried about your old man because he’s your old man! It’s fucking adorable!” Blitzo said. “Look, we just need to work on your technique. See? You’re already standing and you’re a natural at looming. Lean into that!”

“I’m telling you not to fuck with my dad!” Octavia said.

“Ooh, much better,” Bltizo said, sitting up and clapping. “That little jerk with your chin? Great stuff. And, uh, for the record, I have no intention of, your words not mine, ‘fucking with’ Stolas because I don’t exactly have a death wish, kiddo. I do intend on continuing to fuck him, though. We have an agreement.”

“You’re both insane,” Octavia groaned.

“Eh. Probably. Got to admit, Stolas makes a lot more sense than the rest of the Goetias I’ve run into, and that’s _including_ his inability to stop thinking with his dick,” Blitzo said.

“I cannot believe I thought this was a good idea,” Octavia muttered. “I’m just gonna…go.”

“Hey, hey, whoa there,” Blitzo muttered. “You’re paying, and we have a weapons room. How about we start there?”

“What?” Octavia asked.

“You _paid_ me for my time to threaten me for your dad, so let’s do this _right_. Now, you a rifle gal, pistols, swords? Throwing knives are fun, if you-”

“You’re going to provide me with weaponry to threaten you with?” Octavia asked blankly.

“Well yeah, like I said kiddo, you’re paying for this so I might as well provide a good experience. You’re a growing demon, you need to get your intimidation down, yeah?” Blitzo mused. “Now, fire simply does _not_ work on imps so that is right out. I do know some demons have weird magicky-fire bullshit that _does_ work but you’d probably have lobbed a fireball at me by now if that worked, right? Of _course_ right.”

“Well…I suppose I could have some fun since I came all the way out here,” Octavia admitted. “And no. I don’t do fireballs.”

“Like I said, probably useless anyway,” Blitzo said as he steered her into the hall. “M&M, special client! Hop to!”

Moxxie hurried out of the boardroom while Millie leaped in through a window, having presumably been out on the fire escape.

“This is Octavia, I’m sure you remember her, and _she_ is here to give me a shovel talk over my, ah, _relations_ with her father,” Blitzo said. “And you two are going to help her out!”

“We’re going to help her threaten you?” Moxxie asked. “Sir…”

“Oh, just threaten, Mox, chill out,” Blitzo said. “Sorry about the buzzkill, kid. So, here is the weapons practice room!”

He threw open a door proudly.

“…It’s…a room,” Octavia agreed. “With weapons lockers.”

“So let’s see what you think you’re into!” Blitzo said, throwing one open and beginning to rummage.

“Well, if you’re not actually gonna _kill_ him, I guess this does sound like fun,” Millie admitted.

“Now this, this is awesome _looking_ but only works if you’re great at close range fighting,” Blitzo said, showing off an odd knife-gauntlet. “Really only Millie can use it, but if you really like it she can give you pointers!”

“So we’re just…helping Miss Octavia threaten you today?” Moxxie groaned.

“This lovely young lady has _paid_ for a proper shovel talking and we _will_ deliver!” Blitzo said, smacking his fist into his other hand.

“…Want me to tie him to a chair?” Moxxie asked Octavia with a small yet devious smile.

Octavia looked at Moxxie and Millie, at Blitzo, and back to the married couple. She smirked. “It’s a start.”

.o.o.o.

“Hey, since when did we get good music?” Loona asked as she headed upstairs to the sound of loud metal tunes. She stopped when she saw Blitzo tied to a chair while Moxxie helped Octavia aim a gun at him as Millie readied a camera. Everyone but Blitzo was wearing ear protection. “ _What the fuck_?”

“Oh hi sweetie!” Blitzo called cheerfully, barely audible over the music. “I’m being shovel talked!”

“Sweetie?” Octavia asked Moxxie.

“She’s my daughter,” Blitzo explained.

“Oh. I will state this is not filled with bullets,” Octavia said to Loona while pointing at the gun.

“Well then what does it shoot?” Loona asked.

“Baked beans. It’s one of our allergen dispensation devices,” Moxxie explained. “…Some murder requests are very specific.”

“And I hate the smell of baked beans so I am gonna answer all her questions!” Blitzo agreed. “…If I can hear them over this racket.”

“It’s a good song,” Octavia scoffed.

“Can I get a burn of this for the lobby?” Loona asked.

“What? Oh, sure, I’ll email it later,” Octavia said. “Millie! Turn it down a scooch so your dumb boss can hear me!”

“Got it!” Millie said, lowering the music a little.

“Alight you pipsqueak night hooker-” Octavia said, taking aim with the rifle and flicking off the safety. “I’ve got some real questions about-

A portal opened. Octavia shrieked, dropping the gun as Loona moved in to protect their client…only for Stolas to step out of the portal as the gun misfired, hitting the leg of Blitzo’s chair and knocking it and him on their backs.

“Dad! Hi?” Octavia said, quickly turing the safety back on and tossing the rifle to the floor.

“Octavia?” Stolas asked. “But I thought I was going to…”

He looked around, seeing Moxxie, Millie, and Blitzo, realizing he was indeed at his intended location.

“…What is going on here?” Stolas asked as Loona turned off the music.

“Uh, Octavia wanted to make sure I’m not, you know, being _too_ much of a total dick to her old man,” Blitzo said as Millie quickly untied him. “ _Loving_ daughter that she is. So we decided to let her have a go at giving a shovel talk.”

“A…what?” Stolas asked.

“The kind of talk _you_ plan to give anyone who ever wants to date me,” Octavia said as Blitzo hopped to his feet and kicked away the chair.

“Oh! Wait, the subject doesn’t usually volunteer for that kind of thing…” Stolas mused.

“Yeah, but your boyfriend’s a weirdo,” Octavia said. Her eyes widened. “Oh. _That’s_ why you get along. You’re both _total_ weirdos. I should have seen that coming.”

“Yup,” Loona said.

“Oh, Blitzy, how did she _do_?” Stolas asked eagerly.

“Great on the determination and immediate intimidation upon starting, maybe some work on _sustained_ threat level, but her willingness to get creative is definitely an asset,” Blitzo said, dusting himself off and pulling out a notepad to check a list he’d apparently been keeping. “Passing grade, room for improvement, but damn good for a first timer.”

“Oh, that’s my girl!” Stolas cooed, snatching Octavia into a hug she futilely tried to avoid.

“Yeah, here’s some movies with villains that have good menacing speeches with sustained threat level, check those out and maybe we’ll try again next month or something,” Blitzo said, passing Octavia a note. “Nice to get Looney in the armory and test out some of the less-used weaponry now and then…”

“So, wait, when was the last time you were asked to use the allergen delivery rifle?” Octavia asked.

“We literally invented it for the client who asked,” Moxxie admitted.

“Now that’s a work ethic! Learn from the dear imps, Via,” Stolas said as he finally put her down.

“Whatever, dad,” Octavia said, rolling her eyes. “Look, if you have…business or whatever, I’m going to go hang with…Loona, was it?”

“Yeah,” Loona said. “You can show me some more of that cool music.”

“Have fun kids!” Blitzo said as the girls headed out. “So, Stolas, _please_ tell me this is about murder…”

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be more serious until my brain!Blitzo went "no, no, this is a business opportunity!" Also apparently Blitzo is good enough with kids to get one to stop threatening him for real and do it in a safe way for catharsis reasons.


End file.
